Perspectives

December 12, 2011: I was driving home from work. It was hazy outside, and there was rain in the area. I looked to my left and saw a rainbow, faded slightly by the haze…and the coolest thing happened. I put on my sunglasses, looked again, and I could see it better than without them! I thought about that for a second, took the shades off, looked, put them back on, and looked again, with the same results. Little did I know that moment in time would be on my mind throughout the rest of the month.

It seemed odd to me that I would have to put on the sunglasses, thus darkening my view, in order to see the rainbow clearer. As I thought about it, I also considered the best times to see the brightness of a rainbow is when the dark clouds are surrounding it. Food for thought?

Sean and I began to go through trials and situations far beyond our control, literally starting the very hour I saw the rainbow. In our struggles, my mind has constantly gone back to that moment, and how I had to cover my eyes in order to see better…what irony. This is a time in our lives that seems dark, and at times almost unbearable. I have been reminded several times by people close to me, wonderful people, that this is the starting point of great things for Sean and I, and to remember the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m glad I saw the rainbow the way I did that day. I know now that we had to go through darkness to see the bright future ahead for us, and to take the steps to get there. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and absence makes the heart grow fonder…I may not feel very strong right now, in fact I feel like the weakest link in the chain. As for the absence comment…I didn’t realize I could love someone more than I already did…but I can and I do, more and more every day. I look forward to the future with this amazing man that I love SO MUCH!! We’ve had a year unlike any other year I’ve experienced, yet through it all we have held strong together, supporting each other, and have grown closer and closer in everything we’ve been through.

Even though I am thankful for the things we have been through, the rainbows we’ve seen through the darkness, and the tunnels we’ve gone through to get to the light at the end…I’m ready to stand in the sunshine for a while…stay out of the rain, not enter another tunnel for a while, and enjoy the breeze on the mountaintop, just basking in the peace with the man I love beside me, holding me just because we want to hold each other, not because we “need” to. (sigh)

Thankful: Part One

This blog is going to come in parts. By the time I am done...I'll have a book! haha!

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This month on Facebook, many people have been posting every day what they are thankful for, myself included. This is the first year I have participated in the activity, as this time last year I was too busy worrying about life to be thankful for the things I have in it. This year is entirely different for me. It is different in nearly every sense of the word! But in order to talk about the difference, I need to first explain why it is so different for me now.

I have been through battles, big and small, that have hurt me, broken me, battered me, and nearly killed me. Yet through these battles I have become better, stronger, happier, more complete, and have found love stronger than I have ever experienced! Words cannot describe the freight train of emotions that thunders through me every time I recall the last two years of my life. I experienced pain unimaginable. I felt used, betrayed, and convenient. Not loved. I did things I am not proud of. Remorse and regret are two words that come to mind when I recall some deeds of my past. But peace is another one…

I wondered if I would ever be happy in life, and on many occasions confronted God with that very question. Going through the motions was not fulfilling in any way to me. I am not a robot! But I felt like one. Then I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive…so positive in fact that the pregnancy line displayed fully before the test line was even visible! Ahh, how things take on a new light when something like “this” is added to an already insane batch of drama. I know, “Where is that peace”, Right? Oh it’s coming. But not before I freaked out.

What was I going to do? I was not intending any harm to a baby that had nothing to do with his/her current existence. But I was a single mother of two toddler boys already, going to school full time, and working two jobs. Those were not my greatest fears though…no. My greatest fear was my family. I feared being yelled at, told what a failure as a human being I was, what a disgrace to the name I had become, and the rejection that would come with being such a disappointment to them. I had already seen the strain on relationships decisions had in my family…and I didn’t like it. Now I knew I was facing the same situation, only mine was going to be imposing on the family for the rest of our lives, in the first form of pregnancy, then the child thereafter. Could I do it? I didn’t know, honestly.

I didn’t tell many people at all about my situation, because I knew it was going to hit the fan soon enough and there was no telling what kind of rumors and drama would rise from one little issue. So, I kept it close to me, as close as I could. I considered adopting my baby out, and as a result I kept myself from getting too attached to him/her for the longest time. I even had two couples picked out to consider as parents for this little one that would be making an appearance around Christmas. What a gift, right?

As I had feared, once people found out I was pregnant, the gossip began. I heard all kinds of stories about myself, and learned things about me that I didn’t even know. Yes…some of the stories were so far beyond the realm of truth I found it hard to believe they were being repeated! (sigh) Such is life, so I learned.

So many things happened last year! I reconnected with Sean, my fiancé, and we sort of picked up where we left off eight years prior when I broke up with him. I couldn’t believe this was a possibility for me! What man would want a woman that has been divorced, has two kids, and is pregnant with another baby that is surrounded by drama from every side, she’s talked about, nobody really knows what the truth is in her situation, and all seem to believe the worst of her?! This is where it gets crazy. I had wondered if I would ever be able to see myself as God supposedly sees me (if he even saw me, I had wondered at times), let alone come across someone that would demonstrate God’s view of me when I least expected it. As I spent more and more time on the phone with Sean, and when he came to the States from Greece on leave to see family, and me, and we spent time together, I began to see the answer to my prayers unfold before my eyes. Someone could still love me, did love me, does love me!

Things went to new levels, he went back to Greece, and I followed him a couple of months later…yes PREGNANT! I flew to Greece nearly seven months pregnant, and flew back nearly eight months along! It was in Greece I became engaged to Sean, and he let me know without a doubt that he wanted my baby to be OUR baby. I went home with a new outlook on life! Something inside still hadn’t changed much yet though. I had closed myself up inside, away from everyone, for years already. The walls were still up, with the exception of Sean getting in, nobody really knew me anymore. Honestly, I didn’t know myself.

I gave birth to Micah Caleb Donovan Wheeler on December 13, 2010. I never completely dealt with my emotionless state of mind throughout my pregnancy, and even during our stay in the hospital, and upon our release, and the first several weeks at home I never faced the robot that still lived inside me. When Micah was diagnosed with RSV at six weeks of age, and transported to St Louis Cardinal Glennon Hospital, I spent several nights there with him. During our stay there I soaked my pillow every night with tears of emotions bottled up for nearly a year. I didn’t even know I was capable of crying anymore. Everything finally just came out.

I nearly lost Micah twice during my pregnancy. I didn’t know if I could raise him. I didn’t know if I could connect with him. I questioned everything for months. And as I stood over his crib, looking at his helpless little body lying amidst tubes and wires connected to monitors and IVs, barely taking any fluids on his own, the tidal wave of realization hit me day after day, and day after day I thanked God for the blessing I was given in the form of this little baby boy. I realized I had connected with him from the beginning, but that I had buried the emotions deep inside because burying my emotions is what I did naturally anymore when feeling them.

To this day I am blessed with Micah’s joy, his laughter, his love, his adorable smile, and his quirkiness. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what a blessing he really is in my life. If I had not gotten pregnant with him, there is no telling where I would be or what I would be doing now. Instead I get to enjoy the gift of love bundled in this adorable ball of personality known as my son.

Just Keep Swimming

I feel like a complete paradox. I have had one of the fastest moving, most frustrating, confusing, messed up years of my life, yet I have never been happier than I have in the last year+!

I have given birth to a wonderful LITERAL bundle of joy, become engaged to the most amazing man in my life, moved across the country, and have dealt with drama beyond anything I ever thought I would go through, both back home and here in California.

The most amazing thing about this crazy year and a half of mine is the relationship I have with my fiancee! We have gone through things that could tear a couple apart, yet we have grown closer and closer together, leaning on each other, supporting one another, working in unity, and loving deeper and deeper every day! Through all of our stress, all of the problems, and the unmentionable things we have experienced, I still know more happiness and peace than I have...ever. Together, we have been able to rise above our trials, continuing on as a family, strong in love, and blessed so much by God!

Even today, as we deal with our current issues, I feel secure in an insecure situation. I am happy that I am going through this situation WITH Sean. We encourage each other even when we ourselves are discouraged. I recall with a smile, "What do we do? We swim, swim, swim."

Strong Shoulders

Shoulders have many purposes. They are used when carrying heavy burdens. They are used when extending the arms any direction, as support. They are support for the neck and head in the physical body.

The shoulder is also a symbol of rest, comfort, strength. "Come, lay your head on my shoulder.", "I have strong shoulders. I'll help carry your burden."

Shoulders are often wet with tears, whether they are the tears of that person, or they have been dampened with the tears of another.

Shoulders take a lot of stress every day. They bear up under pressure.

In recent events of recent days, I am encouraged with the fact that I have a man who has strong shoulders! We have been sharing the burden together which we have been given to bear, and he has often had to lift me up on his shoulders even as he is holding his own, when I feel weak and unable to continue on. I thank God every day for Sean.

God knew what I needed when he brought Sean back into my life, and I am glad to stand with him, honored to stand beside him today! I am thankful that I am here and can use my shoulders to bear him up when he needs it as well. God is Good!

phone blogging...?

So, here i sit, on my bed at 1:25am on my cell phone, accessing and updating my blog!! hahaha! Anyway, I do have a new blog coming up when I get my computer situation taken care of...the review is on Julie Klassen's book, "The Girl in the Gatehouse." I can't wait to share with everyone my thoughts on the book, because they are none but good!! And now I am off to take care of my very unwell baby boys. All three of them have a fever, and look to be suffering some sort of flu... :-( Hugs to all!

Music to my ears

What are some things I love the sound of?

Micah's laughter. Even when I am in the worst of moods, had a bad day, no sleep, lots of stress, and wanna scream at the world, all I have to do is get little Micah to chuckle for me and I'm ok. His smile is extremely contagious, and not only does his whole body smile with his face, but the rest of the room changes as well. His giggles and outright laughter only increase the joy of the moment. One of the richest blessings I have from God is my baby.

The wind blowing through the trees. Especially up in the sequoia mountains!! Oh, no explanation would do the sound justice. It's not loud, just a soft, whispery rustle above my head that leaves the image in my mind of an unseen blanket drifting effortlessly in the wind, over the branches of the trees, in the leaves, causing them to move ever so slightly and whisper to the ground. Ah...peaceful.

Ocean waves crashing on the beach.

Classical Music. Or any instrumental music from the Classical, Romantic, Baroque, and other periods in those eras. Rich feeling in every piece, and some that tell an amazing story from beginning to end...love it!

The washer and dryer running. Why? Because I know they are doing my laundry for me. haha!

The sound of the children playing together. Happy noises are good noises!

Sean's voice. Enough said...

The Colonel's Lady

Laura Frantz has outdone herself on The Colonel’s Lady. I cannot even attempt my typical review style for this book, as every draft I write just doesn’t do the book justice in my eyes. The imagination, intrigue, feeling, and descriptions from beginning to end bring every character and scene to life in amazing detail! I felt the emotions with each character as they encountered death, destruction, lies, secrets, and surprises at every turn. I could feel Roxanna’s pain as she learned of her father’s death on the campaign, and the guilt and sorrow of Colonel McLinn upon his return to the fort and the sight of Roxanna Rowan, knowing he must bear the news to her of her father’s death, as they lifted from the printed pages and painted vivid images of the scenes in my mind.

Death and destruction seemed to surround Roxanna in the fort in the middle of the Kentucky wilderness, and the intrigue continues as she takes on the job her father occupied as the Colonel’s scrivener, and uncovers secrets revealing treason and possible spies within the walls of the fort.

The true test of faith, love, and forgiveness comes when the Colonel reveals the truth behind her father’s death, and what she does with that truth.

From beginning to ending this book kept me wondering what was going to happen next with Roxanne and her Colonel, and each revelation discovered within the pages along the way was more surprising than the last.

Two thumbs up to a great story! I loved every minute of reading!!

This book was given to me by Revell Publishing for the purpose of review…and I was HAPPY to oblige!