Thankful: Part One

This blog is going to come in parts. By the time I am done...I'll have a book! haha!

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This month on Facebook, many people have been posting every day what they are thankful for, myself included. This is the first year I have participated in the activity, as this time last year I was too busy worrying about life to be thankful for the things I have in it. This year is entirely different for me. It is different in nearly every sense of the word! But in order to talk about the difference, I need to first explain why it is so different for me now.

I have been through battles, big and small, that have hurt me, broken me, battered me, and nearly killed me. Yet through these battles I have become better, stronger, happier, more complete, and have found love stronger than I have ever experienced! Words cannot describe the freight train of emotions that thunders through me every time I recall the last two years of my life. I experienced pain unimaginable. I felt used, betrayed, and convenient. Not loved. I did things I am not proud of. Remorse and regret are two words that come to mind when I recall some deeds of my past. But peace is another one…

I wondered if I would ever be happy in life, and on many occasions confronted God with that very question. Going through the motions was not fulfilling in any way to me. I am not a robot! But I felt like one. Then I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive…so positive in fact that the pregnancy line displayed fully before the test line was even visible! Ahh, how things take on a new light when something like “this” is added to an already insane batch of drama. I know, “Where is that peace”, Right? Oh it’s coming. But not before I freaked out.

What was I going to do? I was not intending any harm to a baby that had nothing to do with his/her current existence. But I was a single mother of two toddler boys already, going to school full time, and working two jobs. Those were not my greatest fears though…no. My greatest fear was my family. I feared being yelled at, told what a failure as a human being I was, what a disgrace to the name I had become, and the rejection that would come with being such a disappointment to them. I had already seen the strain on relationships decisions had in my family…and I didn’t like it. Now I knew I was facing the same situation, only mine was going to be imposing on the family for the rest of our lives, in the first form of pregnancy, then the child thereafter. Could I do it? I didn’t know, honestly.

I didn’t tell many people at all about my situation, because I knew it was going to hit the fan soon enough and there was no telling what kind of rumors and drama would rise from one little issue. So, I kept it close to me, as close as I could. I considered adopting my baby out, and as a result I kept myself from getting too attached to him/her for the longest time. I even had two couples picked out to consider as parents for this little one that would be making an appearance around Christmas. What a gift, right?

As I had feared, once people found out I was pregnant, the gossip began. I heard all kinds of stories about myself, and learned things about me that I didn’t even know. Yes…some of the stories were so far beyond the realm of truth I found it hard to believe they were being repeated! (sigh) Such is life, so I learned.

So many things happened last year! I reconnected with Sean, my fiancé, and we sort of picked up where we left off eight years prior when I broke up with him. I couldn’t believe this was a possibility for me! What man would want a woman that has been divorced, has two kids, and is pregnant with another baby that is surrounded by drama from every side, she’s talked about, nobody really knows what the truth is in her situation, and all seem to believe the worst of her?! This is where it gets crazy. I had wondered if I would ever be able to see myself as God supposedly sees me (if he even saw me, I had wondered at times), let alone come across someone that would demonstrate God’s view of me when I least expected it. As I spent more and more time on the phone with Sean, and when he came to the States from Greece on leave to see family, and me, and we spent time together, I began to see the answer to my prayers unfold before my eyes. Someone could still love me, did love me, does love me!

Things went to new levels, he went back to Greece, and I followed him a couple of months later…yes PREGNANT! I flew to Greece nearly seven months pregnant, and flew back nearly eight months along! It was in Greece I became engaged to Sean, and he let me know without a doubt that he wanted my baby to be OUR baby. I went home with a new outlook on life! Something inside still hadn’t changed much yet though. I had closed myself up inside, away from everyone, for years already. The walls were still up, with the exception of Sean getting in, nobody really knew me anymore. Honestly, I didn’t know myself.

I gave birth to Micah Caleb Donovan Wheeler on December 13, 2010. I never completely dealt with my emotionless state of mind throughout my pregnancy, and even during our stay in the hospital, and upon our release, and the first several weeks at home I never faced the robot that still lived inside me. When Micah was diagnosed with RSV at six weeks of age, and transported to St Louis Cardinal Glennon Hospital, I spent several nights there with him. During our stay there I soaked my pillow every night with tears of emotions bottled up for nearly a year. I didn’t even know I was capable of crying anymore. Everything finally just came out.

I nearly lost Micah twice during my pregnancy. I didn’t know if I could raise him. I didn’t know if I could connect with him. I questioned everything for months. And as I stood over his crib, looking at his helpless little body lying amidst tubes and wires connected to monitors and IVs, barely taking any fluids on his own, the tidal wave of realization hit me day after day, and day after day I thanked God for the blessing I was given in the form of this little baby boy. I realized I had connected with him from the beginning, but that I had buried the emotions deep inside because burying my emotions is what I did naturally anymore when feeling them.

To this day I am blessed with Micah’s joy, his laughter, his love, his adorable smile, and his quirkiness. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about what a blessing he really is in my life. If I had not gotten pregnant with him, there is no telling where I would be or what I would be doing now. Instead I get to enjoy the gift of love bundled in this adorable ball of personality known as my son.